Author Archive for Gina

Love is a Hoax!

loveisThose Bloody Annoying Habits…Arrrgggg!!!

Who of you are in a long term relationship at the moment? Well I am sure you will know what I am about to talk about from recent personal experience.

For those of you who are not in a long term relationship at the moment, this is probably why you aren’t!

Okay…let’s get to the point here.

You know when you meet someone and you just fall so deeply in love that you just think they are perfect? They just can’t put a foot wrong? Right?

They have these endearing little habits that make you just love them all the more…yes?? I thought so!

Let me tell you a secret….IT IS ALL A HOAX! Our biology is playing tricks on us. Now….. I am going to put my Biology teacher hat on and explain. The whole reason this happens to us is so we reproduce (just like all other living organisms). It is about evolution and natural selection. We evolved all these ‘love’ chemicals so we can get together long enough for us to produce offspring, which of course will have the same characteristics once they too go through puberty. This ensures continuation of our species. Full stop! Yep…blame it on the love chemicals like oxytocin, dopamine, norepinephrine and phenylethylamine. This is pure the Darwin/Wallace theory of natural selection.

Yes, being in love feels wonderful and when it happens, we feel like there is nothing else that really matters. We see the world through rose coloured glasses. Then….Wham bam and a couple of kids later and/or after about 2 years (more or less), these feelings wear off. Oh No!!!!!!

Then the cutting of the toenails in the bathroom (and leaving the clippings lying around), or that cute little laugh begin to bloody annoy you. That’s when the ‘arrrgggg!!!’ comes in and tension develops.

You see, by letting someone else become close, it brings up many feelings and emotions, often negative, which have been festering since childhood.

This is the turning point.

Some people go off and find someone else to have the ‘love hit’ with and repeat the cycle like they seem to do in Hollywood every day.

Others, who understand that this change happens and who have allowed a deeper bond to develop, will continue in their relationships and reap the rewards.

By reaping the rewards, I mean that during the ‘courting’ period they got to know, respect and like each other. They may also realise that their partner is a reflection of themselves. What they see as flaws in their partner is really a deficiency in themselves and an opportunity to do some inner work. We learn to accept our partner ‘warts n all’ and continue to love them at a much deeper level.

Even so, sometimes people in relationships become ‘stuck’. This is where some intervention can help and put them back on track to having a wonderful loving relationship.

If this is you, go to my website positivelifeshift.com or you can leave a comment below.

The Love Sandwich and the Emotional Bank Account

You know that sometimes you just have to have a ‘hard’ conversation with your partner…would you agree??

It could go something like this…

Her: We need to talk about something!

Him: What is it?

Her: I get really annoyed when I come home from work only to find the kitchen is a mess after I leave it spotless each morning.

Him: It is only because I work from home and get really involved with what I am doing and don’t have time to clean up.

From this point it could go a number of ways.  It could become either a conversation, discussion, argument, fight ….war…

 

Let’s take 2 extreme situations:

Situation 1:

Her: We need to talk about something!

Him: What is it?

Her: I get really annoyed when I come home from work only to find the kitchen is a mess after I leave it spotless each morning.

Him: It is only because I work from home and get really involved with what I am doing and don’t have time to clean up.

Her: Well…I work hard all day too and I am really tired when I get home and then I have to clean up this mess before I start dinner. I am exhausted and frustrated by all of this. You don’t understand do you? How could you? You are a man?

Him: I work hard too! I am doing my best to make this business work and all you can think about is a messy kitchen. For heaven’s sake! What the hell is wrong with you?

Her: Well I refuse to cook dinner. You can cook your own bloody dinner. I HATE THIS CRAP! AND I HATE YOU TOO!

Him: I can’t stand your perfectionism in this damned house! It is all too hard. I HATE YOU TOO! I WANT A DIVORCE!

 

Situation 2:

Her: We need to talk about something!

Him: What is it?

Her: I get really annoyed when I come home from work only to find the kitchen is a mess after I leave it spotless each morning.

Him: It is only because I work at home and get really involved with what I am doing and don’t have time to clean up.

Her: I know you really do become consumed by your work which is fantastic and I love that about you. That is why it is important for me to let you know how I feel when there is an issue, like the messy kitchen. All I am asking is that you spend a few minutes cleaning up after yourself when you have lunch. When I get home is then makes it much easier for me to prepare us a nice dinner so we can sit together and talk. I know you love to chat over dinner after being at home all day by yourself. I do love you a lot and look forward to coming home.

Him: I am so sorry. I will do my best to clean up before you get home. I do love our dinner chats and look forward to you coming home. I love you too.

So.. which would you rather ? And… In which situation do you find yourself more often than not?

If you find yourself in the first situation you can change things. It may be challenging if you have a pattern of being in this mode, but it certainly is possible to improve your relationship if it is important enough to you.

If you find yourself more often than not in the second situation…congratulations!!! You are on the path to nurturing a happy, successful relationship.

So what is the difference? There are actually 2 things.

  1. The love sandwich is the way in which you deliver this issue. Notice in the second situation that when she needed to talk about the issue, she ‘enveloped’ it in love. There was love/issue/love.

Let me give you examples from the conversation….’ I know you really do become consumed by your work which is fantastic and I love that about you.’ That is the love. ‘That is why it is important for me to let you know how I feel when there is an issue, like the messy kitchen. All I am asking is that you spend a few minutes cleaning up after yourself when you have lunch.’ That is the issue addressed. Then, ‘When I get home is then makes it much easier for me to prepare us a nice dinner so we can sit together and talk. I know you love to chat over dinner after being at home all day by yourself. I do love you a lot and look forward to coming home.’ That is love.

Now can you see the love sandwich?

Actually…there is something else at play here too. Notice there is no “BUT’ or ‘HOWEVER’ in the conversation. This is because by using these words, they can negate the love that came before. It is much better to use ‘AND’ as it does not negate the positive stuff. It gets easier with practice, I promise.

  1. There must be investments into the emotional bank account to be able to have the second situation conversation and make it feel natural.

What does that mean?

Well…. Imagine your relationship is like a bank account. You make deposits and you make withdrawals. If you make more deposits than withdrawals, then you are in the black. Your bank account is looking good. On the contrary if you make more withdrawals than deposits. You would be in the red and your bank account would not be very healthy at all.

 

It is the same for your relationship. If you give complements, be kind and considerate to each other, rather than take each other for granted or use each other as punching bags (physically and metaphorically), of course your relationship will be healthy. Then, when you inevitably need to have the ‘hard’ conversations, you can without it having a negative effect on your relationship.

If you feel you would benefit from a little help with your relationship, go to my website positivelifeshift.com or email me at gina@positivelifeshift.com

Here is to relationship success!

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The 4 Stages of Learning

What does this have to do with relationships?

Okay…who can drive a car?? Right! …most of you.

Well…who can drive a car, drink coffee, mentally plan your day and talk on the phone all at the same time? Well…even though we are not supposed to, we can…right?

Let’s go back to your childhood to before you could drive? At this stage, you probably have no idea of the value of learning to drive a car (since you have parents to take you everywhere). This is called unconscious incompetence. You are not aware of what you do not know. Fair enough!

Now…fast forward a few years and you are 16 or 17 and want your independence, so now you see the value of learning to drive. You don’t want mum and dad hanging around while trying to impress the opposite sex so you are motivated to learn how to drive and get yourself mobile. You have to concentrate really hard and drive painstakingly slowly. Whoever is teaching you is a nervous wreck in the car with you. You probably even make quite a few mistakes and even have an accident. You then realise that it was not that easy and that practice is necessary. This is the stage of conscious incompetence. You now are aware of what you don’t know.

After a few months of practice you feel more confident and you are much better at driving. Your parents are not as freaked out as much now. However, you have to concentrate and still make a few mistakes. It still takes effort. This is the stage of conscious competence. You have the skill but you need to concentrate while doing it.

After a few years you reach the stage when you can multitask while driving as it has become second nature and now you don’t have to even think about it. Have you ever had the experience where you have been thinking about something while driving and at the end of the trip think to yourself ‘I don’t remember the drive here’? Well this is the stage of unconscious competence. You now have the skill and you don’t have to think about it while doing it.

So…you are asking ‘How does this apply to relationships?’

Like any skill, having great relationships, in particular the one with your significant other, takes practice. You must go through the 4 stages until you get to the blissful unconscious competence where everything seems to ‘flow’ effortlessly.

I recently visited my brother and his new girlfriend in Queensland. As with any new relationship there is a maze of issues with which to deal. My brother’s girlfriend knows about the Love Languages and asked my brother to do the online test to see what his love language is in order to improve communication between them. His response was ‘How will that help me?’ Well as you can guess, he is at the stage of unconscious incompetence. Hopefully for the success of his new relationship, he will find out more and work through the 4 stages of learning.

Would you like to find out more on how to fast track your way to unconscious competence in your relationship?

This is where I step in and say ‘I can help you’.

Just enter your details on this page and receive the free video on the 5 Secret Steps to Healing Relationship Issues.

This is where the fun begins.

Leave comments below!

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Understanding Love Languages

Have you ever been in a relationship where it begins so beautifully, where you thought that you were made for each other and that you had found your soul mate? As time passed, maybe months, or years depending on your relationship, did you find it became stale? Communication between the two of you became a challenge and it seemed like he or she was speaking Swahili compared to your perfectly understandable English?

Well it is very possible that you are speaking different love languages!

Let’s look at a friend of a friend of mine, Julie, a part time nurse. She was recently married to Nick who worked long hours as an investment banker. One evening, Julie cooked a beautiful meal for Nick. She set the table with flowers, chose some lovely wine, perfectly matched for the meal. Nick came home with a friendly ‘Hi Babe, missed you today!’ as he stripped his clothes off as he walked through the door, leaving a trail of suit jacket and tie behind him. He chatted happily about his day as he wolfed down the dinner. Julie felt that her special efforts went unappreciated so she became angry and screamed abuse at Nick of how he just drops his clothes everywhere, doesn’t help her yada yada!! Nick was astounded and quickly took refuse in the bedroom wondering what had just happened.

The issue was that Julie’s primary love language is acts of service while Nick’s is words of affirmation.

Not understanding this about each other was enough to cause disharmony and lack of communication. Julie could only see the trail of clothes, the mess on the table due to the wolfed down food and thought Nick did not love her because he did not appreciate her acts of service which is how she shows her love. All Nick could hear was abuse about how useless he was which violated his primary love language of words of affirmation, so he began to believe that Julie did not really love him.

Now ask yourself has this kind of thing ever happened to you? Well it does not have to if you understand about the five love languages.five love languages

Gary Chapman wrote the book ‘The 5 Love Languages’ and it a highly recommended read!

So what happened to Julie and Nick? I asked my friend to recommend the book to them and I am still waiting to find out the outcome! Watch this space!